People with mental illness usually live their lives alone. This exhibition contains 14 stories of people with mental Illness. The photos reveal their character, their courage in meeting life's challenges, and how they cope with adversities. Through lens and pen, SoCO brings their inspiring stories to the public.

Date: 21 April (Sat) to 26 April (Thu) 2007

Time: 10:00am to 10:00pm

Venue: Exhibition area E3 and E4, Cultural Centre, Tsim Sha Tsui, Kowloon.

 

Looking from the other side

Contradiction is commonly seen in a society: mainstream/ edge, normal/ abnormal, acceptance/ discrimination, contentment/ frustration, accompaniment/ loneliness, etc. A person standing on one side is not easy to understand the lives on the other side. If one moves from mainstream to the fringe to take a look, another scenery will be seen.

Turning over the pages of this album, you can see Ah Hoi and his family seem to be cursed by fate that all of them suffer from mental illness; Kam-ho and her doggie mutually depend on each other; the "homeless home" of Kitty and Ah Che; Ah Sing was abandoned by his beloved wife after he suffered from mental illness; Pa Pa Mon-Ching is too anxious to contact with people for forty years, rather he likes reading masterpiece, letting his imaginary fly high. They are all people with mental illness, living in the edge of the society, and regarded as abnormal by the mainstream, normal society. They suffer from discrimination of the society, with full frustration, living alone for the rest of their lives.

They are living at the edge of the society tormented by illness and abandoned by the society, yet in the realm on their own island, they want to see their dreams come true: some do as much as they can to hope their relatives give them response, no matter it is only in few words; some work hard without any complaints; some only want to make "normal" friends. To make their dreams come true, the response from the mainstream society is needed, otherwise, they can only build castle in the air above their own island.

When you finish reading this album, we hope you could know more about mental illness and understand their lives. In addition, when you looking back from the edge of the society and looking into the eyes of each story owner, we hope you can reflect and treasure of what you have as inspired by their stories. We also hope you can lend your hands to build a bridge to help the people with mental illness come back from their islands to mainland, edge to mainstream, abnormal to normal, discrimination to acceptance, making them never ever feel frustrated and lonely, but with accompany, filling their lives with contentment.

Ho Hei Wah

Director

Society for Community Organization

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Could you hear how much water is left in the pan?

I remember once passing a classroom where blind students were taught to cook. The smell of cooking rice apart, I heard the teacher asking a question I would never forget. The question was “Could you hear how much water is left in the pan?”

My understanding of the people with mental llness disturbed stretched back to a lady living downstairs when I was young. Every night she would shout and shake her flat’s old-fashioned window frame with all her strength.

No one ever talked to her nor asked her about her name. I only remembered all the sweet dreams she ruined. The lady is still living in that flat, and yet the noise is gone. Maybe she is tired. So when I took over this project, my hesitation was not that I might not be able to refrain from looking into what the culprit of my sleepless nights is after,but whether I could find a way into their world. The stumbles I made during our shooting sessions had offered me a shortcut to getting to know them. Whether it was the cursing resulting from my accidentally knocking off the soft drink bottle where only ice cubes were left, or the empty staring of the relapsing scoliosis patient. Witnessing the fragmentation of body and soul is a chilling experience. We say the people with mental illness are ‘crazy’ and yet like you and I, each of them embodies his or her own character. I believe they just live by their own set of rules, different from ours, struggling to experience what little pleasure they can attain in the otherwise restrained environment. To us, their ‘rules’ could be unbearable, irrelevant or loathing. To them, however, these rules provide enclaves to nurture their wounds. The lady in that public housing estate where I lived might not have received proper treatment but we did not try to marginalize her. Perhaps it’s because we were also a group being marginalized. We thought better of ourselves as we and the society progresses. However, we fare poorly at the same time in being more accepting of others.

We try to provide an entry point for people to find a way into our subjects’world. Their living quarters, their possessions, and the ambience created by their presence give us clues leading to their souls. We also wish to provide a platform for dialogue and a place to meet them eye to eye. The relaxed faces found in the photos might not make sense when juxtaposed in their life stories, yet none of them wanted the unnecessary pathetic labeling. We cannot capture ‘the past’ nor ‘the future’. Only ‘now’ is in our hands. Trying to understand the people with mental illness
might seem ‘mission impossible’, as is asking the blind to hear how much water is left in the pan. Yet judging from the smell coming out of that classroom, it should be a nice meal.

Could you hear how much water is left in the pan?

Dustin Shum, Photographer

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Cactuses in the black room

It was a hot and sweaty afternoon in September 2006. It was the first time I followed Yan, social worker of
SoCO, visited psychiatric patient Man-man, Sung at his cubicle apartment in Sham Shui Po. I remembered Manman’s
upper body was naked when he was having interview with me. He did not talk much by just giving simple
response to each of my questions. His thoughts were logical and for issues he had no idea with, he would reply
frankly, “I have forgotten.” I kept asking Man-man a lot of things while there was a nasty smell came from his body sweat. There were only a few clothes and waste papers in his less than 100 sq. ft cubicle apartment. His most valuable
property seemed to be the connector of Broadband TV which Man-man had got it for free. It then became Man-man’s life.

Man-man was straight forward by telling me lots of stories of his previous experiences in prison. I expressed my heartfelt gratitude to him at the end of the interview. I looked at his eyes when I was shaking hands with him,then my ‘sixth sense’ made me asked suddenly, “Are your eyes okay?” Man-man then told me his right eye was blinded by firecracker when he was a child. I was extremely depressed after knowing this. Then I kept asking heaven: Why Man-man’s life was so miserable?
Later on I had Yan as my partner walking through Sham Shui Po, visiting different people with mental illness.

I discovered their stories were very much similar with Man-man’s one. Firstly, they had unpleasant family background or grow-up story. Secondly, they are pessimistic and have groundless fears deep in mind. Thirdly, they do not know how to relieve stress and often bear too much responsibility.

People with mental illness suffer physically and often live with the following symptoms: auditory hallucination,optical illusion, giddiness, blurred vision, losing memory etc. Mentally they are tortured by loneliness. Most of them do not have family and friends. Some of them are being isolated while the others are having a sense of inferiority.

They do not want to be other people’s ‘burden’ and preferred hiding themselves. They are used to stay alone on birthdays and festivals. The best ways to relieve loneliness are watching TV, smoking and drinking. But without the love and care of family and friends, people with mental illness are very much like cactuses living in the black room. They no longer have strong vitality without sunlight and oxygen.
No wonder every time the patients kept talking a lot of things to Yan and me during our visits. They wanted to tell us their own stories as best as they could.

Interviewing people with mental illness required patience because they had problems with expression and organization. Moreover during the interview process I could not feel they camouflaged nor pretended. They accepted what destiny had arranged with an open-mind and they hoped to recover from the sickness.

The stories of Man-man and others in this book reminded me that happiness does not always come with everyone of us. It is time to really treasure what I have had. I am a local journalist and have to work all round the clock nearly everyday. Every night I go home my parents are asleep and I have not met my best friends for long. Tonight I gave myself a deep breath, and then I put down my work at office and went home early. It is time to plan a holiday with my parents. It is also time to write emails, sharing with my friends the story of Man-man, my new friend.

Lo Man-sze, Maisy, Reporter

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• Chow Man-hoi - That’s a life-long responsibility

• Ng Yin-chow - A hang over left behind by
  the prior generation

• Mok Moon-shing - It’s hard to let go of the past

• Kitty & Cheng Tse-chair - Tell you a joke…

• Ching Wah - Two sweet dreams beyond nightmares

• Lam Kin-ting & Wu Kai-cheong - Memories of living together in cubicle

• Ah Man - There are lots of people whose life is
  much bitterer than mine

• Wong Lee-ping - All alone in a sweet home

• Fong Kam-ho - The best psychiatrist

• Sung Man-man - Insistence beyond ‘I don’t know’

• Lau Tak-keung - Start a new chapter in another home

• Yau Mung-ching - Books are the only friends

• Chan Chak-ki - Add some colours and flavour to life

Chow Man-hoi (Ah Hoi) can't go without smoking, having on average 4 packs of cigarettes a day. One day, whilst enjoying his smuggled cigarette brought from market, amid clouds of smoke he reminisced about times with his former wife. They divorced about 10 odd years ago, but having been together as couple entails a debt of gratitude and he felt sorry for his former wife who, like himself, has been tortured with mental illness for half a lifetime. They also have 2 sons who suffer psychiatric problems. Ah Hoi especially feels that his shoulders bear an immense burden, helplessly sighing that “my life is really a sin.”

Ah Hoi and his Indonesian wife now live at a flat of merely 250 sq. ft. of non-public housing in Shek Kip Mei. In his worn, yellowish white shirt and with a pair of brownish spectacles held together by a red wire, he touched the lopsided frames and then said with a smile,“money is all for the rent; how would I have any spare for my glasses?”

 

Both being unemployed, Ah Hoi and his wife rely on public assistance in the sum of HK$6,500 per month together for living. Despite the fact that the rental, at HK$3,200 per month, costs him a substantial amount, Ah Hoi insists on living in Shek Kip Mei because it is more convenient for him to visit his exwife,who resides in the nearby Pak Tin Estate.

Ah Hoi, now approaching 60, was born and bred in a middle-class family in which his parents ran a business of trading jades. In his 20’s, Ah Hoi, not having a very good relationship with his father, decided not to rely on his family anymore. He chose to become an air-conditioner technician. At that time he was already earning a much-admired monthly income of HK$6,000.

While establishing his career, Ah Hoi met his now ex-wife in the factory where they worked. Their relationship developed from that of colleagues to lovers, and they got married after 1 year of courtship. Ah Hoi was only 29 then.

After a few years of marriage, Ah Hoi found his then-wife becoming more and more emotional. He suspected that she suffered from mental illness. “She cried frequently. She also hit me and scolded me for no reason.” Ah Hoi tried several times to get his wife to see a doctor, but she nevertheless said it was he who had mental problems. Ah Hoi's relatives, knowing his mood was severely affected by his wife, sent him to the Castle Peak Hospital, where he stayed for 2 months. After being discharged, Ah Hoi still believed he was 100% normal and it was his wife who was sick.

When he returned home, he tried again to bring his wife to the doctor; this time he succeeded. She was also diagnosed to have mental illness. During the period he accompanied his wife to receive treatment, Ah Hoi gradually accepted the fact that he was also a patient......

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Ching Wah suffers from schizophrenia. She's been on medication for years and she says the drugs give her nightmares. Often, she dreams that she's lost and can't find her way home.

“Maybe it's because I took a wrong turn when I was younger,” she says as she lights up a cigarette in her cubicle apartment.

“I miss my daughter,” she takes a drag, then reaches with practiced hands into a drawer and pulls out a plastic bag containing a scarf, notebook and pen. It is at least two months to Christmas, but she's already bought her girl presents.

“I chose a blue headscarf. My daughter likes blue,” she says with a touch of pride.

Her daughter is 15 years-old, who is a child from a previous marriage. Ah Wah quit school in Form Three and took on a variety of jobs. She's worked in a factory, as a dance hostess, as a stock market agent, as a salesgirl.

A friend introduced her to her former husband. They dated, got married and she became pregnant. Life seemed to be working out well. “I was pregnant when I divorced him because he had an affair.”She was preparing to welcome her baby in the world when Ah Wah discovered that her husband was having multiple affairs.

“I loved him but he didn’t love me.”Her pride dented, she decided to leave him. She was 31.

“I still love my husband.”

Seventeen years after her divorce, she's still unable to let go of the past. The breakdown of her marriage affected Ah Wah deeply. Days after the split, she plunged into depression and was unable to sleep. She started hearing voices in her head. Her imagination ran wild. She was an emotional wreck and often took her frustrations out on her young daughter.

She contemplated slitting her wrists or swallowing poison, but always managed to pull back from the brink of suicide. Once, she attempted to throw herself off a bridge but was stopped by a security guard. Her former husband pressured her to see a doctor and she was finally diagnosed with schizophrenia. She was admitted to a mental hospital and had to hand her daughter to her ex-spouse.

During her over one year in hospital, Ah Wah had few visitors. Even her own parents didn't bother to see her. As a fourth child, Ah Wah always had trouble fighting for attention from her mother. She thinks her parents look down on her because she lacks a good education and doesn't have a real career.

When she was discharged from hospital, Ah Wah tried to contact her mother, only to be rebuffed. But the final insult came when her mother forbade Ah Wah's siblings from revealing her address and phone number to Ah Wah. Mother and daughter are no longer in touch. All Ah Wah knows is that her parents live in Lam Tin.

She spent two years in a halfway house. She found a job as a parking attendant but quit because of a dispute with a colleague. She's not worked since then and lives on her public assistance of $3,000. She moved to her present room in Shamshuipo eight years ago.

Her days follow the same pattern. She wakes up early, goes to the park for some morning exercise, then to the market for some shopping. In the afternoon, she has tea at a nearby cafe. On days when she doesn't feel like going out, Ah Wah watches television or VCDs inside her cubicle. It is as if she's living the life of a retiree.

“Actually, I feel very empty inside. Time passes so slowly. It can get lonely. I sleep 7, or 8 hours a day, but there are another 16, 17 hours to kill.”

48 year-old Ah Wah views her divorce as
the biggest blemish in her life and the estranged relationship with her mother as her biggest regret.

She doesn't want the same thing to happen with her own daughter. They've not lived together since the girl was four-and-a-half years old, and only meet once a month. It's hard building a meaningful relationship. Her daughter would often taunt her for being overweight. She also spent long periods ignoring her. Ah Wah had to send letters, cards, apology notes and make endless phone calls, in order to win over the child.

 

Every year, on her daughter's birthday, Ah Wah would send over a cake and card. But this year,something unforgettable happened. After waiting for 15 years, her daughter finally told her,

“I love you.”

“She finally felt my love for her.”

Ah Wah is realistic about her future. She's poorly educated and doesn't have many skills, so she thinks she'll be on welfare for a long time. But she does have two wishes she hopes will come true.

“I want to tell my mother that I hope our relationship won't stay the way it was 10 years ago. And I want to tell my daughter that I hope that when she is finally independent, she'll take me out for a cup of tea.”

Are they listening?

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Kam-Ho's 'home' is a suite of 100 square feet; her neighbours are mostly prostitutes and secondhand goods traders, but if compared to the cubicle she lived in for decades before, it is indeed a great improvement.

The suite was messy - the ashtray that lay before the‘KwunYum’portrait was full of cigarette butts - The room has no window but cold air kept draining from the air-conditioner. Her little dog jumped happily here and there on the bed, and slept on its owner's slim thighs when it was tired. This harmonious and peacefu portrait the Kam-ho had tried so hard to create would have deceived others, had not the wrinkled face and grey hair betrayed her past.

The husband of her first marriage was a drug addict. Both of them used drugs and this had almost ruined Kam-ho. When the two separated, her ex-husband had the custody of their two children. Since

was inferior to others, all her friends had their own family and lives; she did not contact any of them in order to let the past good image of Kam-ho remain in their minds.

Health, career, marriage, children and friends, all were lost one by one. Luckily, when Kam-ho was hospitalized for her mental illness, she met her best friend – one who had suffered a stroke and is now having difficulty in mobility. Kam-ho then spent most of her time taking care of this good friend. “I am only comfortable in making friends with those who also suffer one way or another; we could talk freely because we know each other's situation.”

One day, her friend told her that there was a dog on sale. She bought it for hree hundred dollars, but not without worry – could she take care of it when she herself was on the verge of collapse? Later she found out that the dog was as miserable as her. Its previous owner had not cared for it; the dog had been stolen then sold to others. This piece of ‘stolen goods’ had finally found its way to Kam-ho. It is now the centre of Kam-ho's universe. Every time Kam-ho was hit by her depression, this little dog was there to console her, even more faithful than her family members. “I was happy each time when I saw it.”

The dog has released Kam-ho from her distress. She goes outside more, for even strangers will converse with her because of the dog; and to the park for other dog owners will discuss with her tips for keeping dogs. The little dog is a healer of her heart,making her realizes that there are people in this world who need Kam-ho; and that she has to reconnect to
this world again.

Before she got the illness, she had a job and a social life as normal as everybody else. Since she was ill, she has not been working for years. Yet she still holds the belief that she is a person of use. “Although I am not highly educated, if I have the chance to work again, I would do my best to serve.”

Now the biggest wish of Kam-ho is to get public housing, so that she would have a place of her own,a bathroom, a kitchen and a living environment that is not as lousy as her present one. She hopes that she could have a brand new start following the change in
her living environment.

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